I just want to be introduced properly
burntout_waiting · Posted 20 Aug 2026, 03:24
I need to get this out because my head hurts. It has been over five years now. We have never been official and honestly I do not even know what to call us. Anyway, last night was a dinner with some people they work with. I was there, we sat together, everything was fine. Then a friend of theirs walked up and asked who I was. The person I was seeing just looked at me and said I was a mate. They said it so fast. Just a mate. It felt like I was not even there. I have been around for over five years. I know their parents, I have looked after their cat, I have been to their sibling's birthday dinner, yet I am still just a mate when it is inconvenient. I did not say anything at the time because I did not want to cause a scene. We walked home after and they acted like nothing was wrong. I just went to bed. Tbh I am not even angry anymore, just really tired. Maybe I should have said something but what is the point? It is always going to be like this. I feel a bit pathetic for even being upset. Whatever. Sorry for the rant.
What should they do? · 84 votes
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Replies (33)
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Honestly, you are being a bit unfair to them. Maybe they just panicked because they were stressed with work people. Five years is a long time, but people get weird when they mix social groups. It does not mean they do not care.
The public bit would be the issue for me too. Not because everyone needs a grand label, but because 'mate' actively describes something different from five years of intimacy. I'd want to know whether they genuinely see you that way or whether they were trying to hide the relationship from that particular person.
It sounds as though this situation has worn you down. That does not make you foolish or weak, but it may help to focus on the choices available to you now and the boundary you can realistically keep.
It sounds as though this situation has worn you down. That does not make you foolish or weak, but it may help to focus on the choices available to you now and the boundary you can realistically keep.
It sounds as though this situation has worn you down. That does not make you foolish or weak, but it may help to focus on the choices available to you now and the boundary you can realistically keep.
five years is far too long to be a secret, you deserve much more than this.
you deserve so much more than being a casual convenience.
been there and it is fucking soul destroying, dont let them make you feel small for wanting the basics.
five years is a lifetime of being treated like a placeholder. honestly, fuck that person for wasting your time and making you feel invisible. cut your losses and block them, it feels like shit now but it is better than another day of this.
i agree with bitterpill88. after five years, you are just choosing to be miserable. it is a damn shame you let them get away with this for so long.
five years of your life gone, honestly just pack your bags and leave.
wait, you said you know their parents well. do their parents actually know you are together or do they think you are just a mate too?
im dying to know, when you got home that night and went to bed, did they say anything at all or did they really just act like you were a stranger?
honestly mate after five years i would just vanish. dont even tell them why just stop answering the phone or showing up. honestly sounds like they treat u like a ghost and u should just stop giving them the pleasure of ur company tbh. life is too short to be someone else secret.
did they actually act like nothing happened when you got home, or did they even bother to ask why you were being quiet in bed?
im sorry, that sounds rubbish. you really deserve way more than that.
did they actually think you were fine when you went to bed, or were they just completely avoiding the tension because they knew they messed up?
im sorry, that sounds rubbish. honestly, just stop showing up for the cat.
It sounds as though this situation has worn you down. That does not make you foolish or weak, but it may help to focus on the choices available to you now and the boundary you can realistically keep.
I think that's a bit harsh. Someone can have avoided the conversation AND still be hurt when five years gets reduced to 'mate' in public. Those two things can both be true.
Five years? Hang on, you said you know their parents and have looked after the cat, but you let them call you just a mate? Have you actually ever asked for a proper title or do you just show up and hope for the best?
The difficult part is that you cannot control whether they change, only whether you stay in the same arrangement. That does not mean you deserved the way you were treated or that struggling to leave makes you weak. Try to focus on one boundary you can actually keep today.
It sounds as though this situation has worn you down. That does not make you foolish or weak, but it may help to focus on the choices available to you now and the boundary you can realistically keep.
Five years? Hang on, you said you know their parents and have looked after the cat, but you let them call you just a mate? Have you actually ever asked for a proper title or do you just show up and hope for the best?
wait, so did you even bring it up when you got back home? or did you just sit there in silence while they pretended everything was normal?
honestly, you sound a bit entitled. you chose to stick around for five years without an official label, so why are you acting shocked now? you agreed to these terms by staying.
oh love, i am so sorry. its not pathetic to want to be seen. five years is a long time to be hidden away. please dont be so hard on yourself, maybe just take a break from them and see how you feel without the constant waiting.
been there, done that. wasted four years on a bloke who introduced me as a housemate to his own mother. it is bloody soul destroying when they treat you like a spare part. honestly, just leave him before you wake up in another five years looking even more miserable.
Five years is a long time to live with this pattern. I think the difficult part now is recognising that continuing to make room for it also keeps it possible. You did not deserve to be hidden, but you may need to decide what access you are no longer willing to give.
exactly. you are just a convenience for them. stop blaming them for something you have clearly signed up for. you have zero self respect.