We never agreed to be exclusive, so do I even get to be hurt?
technically_not_cheating · Posted 17 Aug 2026, 03:55
Nine months. We never actually said exclusive. I know that matters. Last night I saw a message come up on their phone from someone asking when they were seeing each other again. They turned the phone over pretty quickly. I asked about it and they said, "We never said we weren't seeing other people." And they're right. Technically. Except I have keys to their flat. I stay there three nights most weeks. I picked them up from hospital earlier this year. They call me when something goes wrong. We have sex without condoms because I thought — apparently without ever saying it — that neither of us was sleeping with anyone else. Every time I've tried to talk about us they've said they don't want to ruin what we have by putting pressure on it. I accepted that because what we had felt like a relationship in every way that mattered to me. Now I feel ridiculous. Part of me thinks they've done nothing wrong because I agreed to something undefined. Another part of me thinks they've been using the undefined bit as a loophole. Can you actually betray someone in a situationship when you never made the rules?
What should they do? · 76 votes
Log in or create a free account to vote and reply.
Replies (32)
Be honest. Be kind. No real names.
Log in to reply.
same.
im sorry, that sounds rubbish. it is really tough when the reality of the situation hits you like that.
First thing to do, hand those keys back this week. Do it in person if you can handle it, or just drop them through the letterbox. You need to physically remove yourself from their space so your head can actually clear up.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
this actually made me cry because i was exactly where you are last year. i gave them two years of my life and a spare key before finding out i was just a placeholder. it hurts so much more than a real breakup because you feel like you are not allowed to grieve the loss. please just get out of there now.
Their behaviour may have been hurtful, but the most useful question is whether the relationship they are offering is one you genuinely want. You do not need to condemn them in order to decide it is not enough for you.
i think your feelings are real no matter what the rules say. its really hard when your hearts are not in the same place. take care of yourself, yeah?
same. nine months and i am right there with you.
Their behaviour may have been hurtful, but the most useful question is whether the relationship they are offering is one you genuinely want. You do not need to condemn them in order to decide it is not enough for you.
same. nine months and i feel exactly like this.
This made me cry because I was in the exact same spot. I kept my toothbrush at his place for a year, thinking we were basically a couple, only to find out I was just a placeholder. It feels like you are grieving a ghost, which is honestly the worst kind of heartbreak.
Wait, they let you pick them up from hospital but wont commit? Did they pay for your parking at least, or were you just their free taxi service too?
im sorry, that sounds rubbish. you really deserve to find someone who isnt scared to call you their partner.
Im sorry, that sounds proper rubbish. You deserved way better than that.
It sounds as though this situation has worn you down. That does not make you foolish or weak, but it may help to focus on the choices available to you now and the boundary you can realistically keep.
Wait, you were doing no condoms but never actually had the talk about testing or exclusivity? Were you at least using protection before, or did you just assume it was safe because you spend nights there?
You deserve so much more than being a convenient secret, get out of there.
Delete their number and block them on everything today. Seriously, do not give them the chance to sweet talk you into staying just because they are lonely. Rip the plaster off and reclaim your space.
wait, when you were at the hospital for them, did their family think you were the partner? sounds like they were happy to play the role until it got inconvenient.
Did they contribute to the cab or acknowledge what you did for them at the hospital? I am asking because practical care can start to feel very one-sided when the relationship itself remains undefined.
Look, mate, you are being a bit unfair here. You admit yourself you never had the conversation. You let this drag on for nine months, so you cant turn around and blame them for sticking to the terms you both accepted. Its harsh, but you played yourself by assuming.
take a break from seeing them entirely for a week. no texts, no meetups, no overthinking the messages. you need to see what your life feels like when you arent constantly waiting for them to change.
im sorry, that sounds rubbish. you really did deserve so much better than this treatment.
I think both of you relied on assumptions instead of having the conversation. That does not make the hurt imaginary, but it may help to separate what they explicitly promised from what you hoped the shared routines meant. Asking directly earlier could have protected you both from some of this confusion.
The difficult part is that you cannot control whether they change, only whether you stay in the same arrangement. That does not mean you deserved the way you were treated or that struggling to leave makes you weak. Try to focus on one boundary you can actually keep today.
Im sorry, that sounds rubbish. Hope you find a way to move on soon.
ugh i hear you so much. its really hard when the actions dont match the words and you just want to believe they feel the same way. please be gentle with yourself, you arent silly for wanting connection, you just wanted something real from someone who clearly isnt capable of giving it yet. take a breath.
i get it, i really do. its so confusing when u feel like u r basically living together but they keep u at arms length with that technicality rubbish. honestly just take a step back, u deserve someone who doesnt need to hide their phone screens tbh.
Honestly mate, just pack up your stuff from their flat this weekend. Leaving your keys there is just keeping you tethered to the drama. Get your things back and go zero contact for a bit to clear your head.