not_ready_for_what

I don't want a relationship with him. I also don't want him to leave.

I'm probably going to sound like the bad person here. We've been doing this for five years. He wants us to be properly together. I don't. I like my life as it is. I like living alone. I don't want to merge finances or homes or have somebody automatically included in every plan I make. When I imagine being his girlfriend in the way he means it, I feel trapped rather than excited. But Friday night comes and he's the person I want here. He's the person I call when I've had a horrible week. He knows my family. He knows how I take my tea. I love sleeping next to him. If something happened to him, he'd probably be the first person I'd want to tell. Last month he asked me to either actually be with him or let him go. I couldn't do either. I've always thought I was being honest because I've never promised him more. But I'm starting to wonder whether saying "I'm not ready" for five years is actually honest when I can't name anything I'm waiting to become ready for. The horrible question is: if I know I don't want the relationship he wants, why am I still asking him to stay?