I don't want a relationship with him. I also don't want him to leave.
not_ready_for_what · Posted 12 Aug 2026, 04:41
I'm probably going to sound like the bad person here. We've been doing this for five years. He wants us to be properly together. I don't. I like my life as it is. I like living alone. I don't want to merge finances or homes or have somebody automatically included in every plan I make. When I imagine being his girlfriend in the way he means it, I feel trapped rather than excited. But Friday night comes and he's the person I want here. He's the person I call when I've had a horrible week. He knows my family. He knows how I take my tea. I love sleeping next to him. If something happened to him, he'd probably be the first person I'd want to tell. Last month he asked me to either actually be with him or let him go. I couldn't do either. I've always thought I was being honest because I've never promised him more. But I'm starting to wonder whether saying "I'm not ready" for five years is actually honest when I can't name anything I'm waiting to become ready for. The horrible question is: if I know I don't want the relationship he wants, why am I still asking him to stay?
What should they do? · 151 votes
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Replies (56)
Be honest. Be kind. No real names.
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I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
I'm sorry, that sounds rubbish. Hope you find some clarity soon.
Wait, does he actually not have a single toothbrush or a pair of spare boxers at yours after five whole years? That is actually mental.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
this properly broke me. i did the exact same thing for six years and i still regret how i treated him. you think you are safe but you are actually just breaking your own heart in the long run. please just talk to him before you wake up one day and he is gone for good.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
This actually made me cry reading it. I was with someone for four years just for the comfort and then he just walked out one day. I realized too late that I loved him but I was too scared to say it. don't make my mistake.
you are acting like an absolute child. hide in the toilets all you want but you are ruining his life just so you dont have to be brave for five minutes.
serious question, what happens when you catch him on a dating app? does that make you jealous or do you just not care at all?
It sounds as though this situation has worn you down. That does not make you foolish or weak, but it may help to focus on the choices available to you now and the boundary you can realistically keep.
I have been in the same loop for three years and this hit way too close to home. Same.
Honestly, you are treating him like a takeout order you can just bin when you are full. It is incredibly unfair to keep him trapped in limbo for five years. He deserves better than being your weekend placeholder, mate.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
I think I get where your coming from tbh. Its just scary when things get real isnt it. Sometimes routine is all we have to keep going. don't be to hard on yourself, maybe just try to take one small step next time he brings it up.
I'm sorry, that sounds rubbish. Hope you find some clarity soon.
This honestly ruined my day. I spent four years being the one waiting for a commitment that never came. You think you are just existing, but you are slowly crushing his soul. Please, let him go before you turn into someone you actually hate.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
im sorry, that sounds rubbish. it must be so hard when you just want to keep things the way they are.
this honestly made me sob. i did the exact same thing for years and i just shut down until he finally walked away. i am sitting here now missing him so much and wishing i had just been honest instead of being so scared of losing my comfort zone.
you need to write him a letter. if you cannot say the words out loud without running to the toilets, write it down and send it. give him the truth by the end of the week so he can actually make a decision for himself.
completely agree with you. honestly, it is so unfair to keep him in this holding pattern just because you like your tea a certain way. he is not your pet, he is a person.
this week, spend the weekend entirely by yourself. no calling him, no texting, no seeing him on friday. you need to see if you actually enjoy your own company or if you are just avoiding silence. if you cant handle two days alone, you arent independent, you are just terrified.
serious question, does he know you feel trapped or do you just keep that bit to yourself? five years is a long time to hide that feeling.
Sit him down properly this week and explain exactly what you told us. Tell him you want to keep the current arrangement but that you cannot commit. Give him the power to choose if he wants to stay or go, rather than hiding in the bathroom.
Their behaviour may have been hurtful, but the most useful question is whether the relationship they are offering is one you genuinely want. You do not need to condemn them in order to decide it is not enough for you.
i hear you. change is scary and having your space just so is a big comfort. maybe just take a breath. you dont need to solve the whole 5 years in one night, just be kind to yourself.
i am currently in year three of the exact same thing. i do not have any advice because i have no idea how to stop either. it is just nice to know i am not the only one.
im sorry, that sounds rubbish. it is really tough when your heart and your head are saying different things.
reading this made me cry. it is exactly what i did for four years until he walked out. i thought i was just independent, but really i was just terrified of being vulnerable. it leaves a massive hole in your life when they finally wake up.
serious question, what happens when he starts dating someone else? do you actually think you would be okay with that, or is it just about keeping him on the shelf?
go away for a weekend by yourself. no phone, no him. sit with your own company for 48 hours and see if you actually enjoy being alone or if you are just terrified of the silence.
i am sorry, that sounds rubbish. it must be so hard to feel this stuck.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
this hit home so hard it made me feel sick. i did this for years to a lovely bloke until he finally realised he deserved better and walked out. it took me a long time to forgive myself for how much pain i caused him just to keep my own little bubble safe. dont wait for him to wake up like mine did.
honestly, reading that from hindsight2020 is a bit much. stop beating yourself up for being a human. if the guy chooses to stay for five years knowing you dont want a label, that is on him. he is an adult who can make his own choices. you dont owe him your life just because he is decent.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
reading this made me cry. it reminded me so much of my ex. i was the one waiting, thinking if i just gave him more time he would see how good we were. it left me feeling like i was never enough. you have to let him go so he can find someone who actually wants to be with him.
tbh i get it. relationships are messy and weird and sometimes u just want the comfort without all the baggage. dont be to hard on urself, we all try to find out way thru this stuff. u are not a monster for just being human and not knowing what u want.
i am literally sobbing reading this. it is exactly what happened to me. i wasted my twenties waiting for a sign that never came. it feels like you are slowly losing pieces of yourself because you are so focused on keeping them around.
this made me cry. i was in his shoes for six years. i kept thinking he would wake up one day and choose me properly. it really hurts to realise you were just a placeholder for someone else. please just be brave enough to set him free.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt by the uncertainty. That does not make either of you a bad person, but continuing without a clear and honest conversation is likely to cause more pain.
reading this absolutely broke me. i did the exact same thing to someone for three years and honestly i still hate myself for it. i thought i was just being independent but really i was just taking up their space until i found something else. its a hard pill to swallow but you are definitely the villain here.
Write down a list of the specific things you think you would lose if you were in a real relationship. Look at that list for ten minutes every day this week without contacting him. Be honest with yourself about whether those things are actually worth five years of his life.
People are being way too harsh on you. Its your life. If he chooses to stay knowing how you feel, that is his own choice. You arent forcing him to stay.
It sounds as though this situation has worn you down. That does not make you foolish or weak, but it may help to focus on the choices available to you now and the boundary you can realistically keep.
It sounds as though this situation has worn you down. That does not make you foolish or weak, but it may help to focus on the choices available to you now and the boundary you can realistically keep.
i started crying reading this. i spent two years with someone who told me the exact same things and i just waited around hoping they would change. i lost so much time and self respect. please dont do this to him, it hurts so much more than you realise.
im sorry, that sounds proper rubbish. its a tough spot to be in honestly.
I can understand why the other person may feel hurt. Wanting the closeness while knowing you may not want the same relationship has consequences for them, but that does not make you a bad person. The kindest thing now is to give a clear, honest answer rather than leave them waiting.