TryingNotToExplain

I broke no contact when his dad died

I ended things with him five months ago after nearly two years of being almost together. We were exclusive without calling it exclusive, spent most weekends together and knew each other’s friends. Every few months I would ask whether we were actually building a relationship. He would say he cared about me but could not promise the kind of future I wanted. Then we would have a sad conversation, agree to take some space and be back in bed within a week. In April I finally stopped. It was not dramatic. I told him I could not keep behaving like his partner while being asked not to expect a partnership. I blocked him because we had already proved that “staying friends” meant restarting. The first month was awful. By August I was sleeping properly and had stopped checking whether he had viewed things through mutual friends. Then his dad died. I knew his dad. Not well, but enough to have eaten Christmas lunch at his house and received a birthday card written in capital letters. When a friend told me, not sending anything felt cruel. I sent one message saying I was sorry and that I was thinking of his family. He replied immediately. We spoke on the phone that evening for nearly two hours. I went to the funeral. Afterwards he asked if I could stay for a drink because everyone else was leaving. I did. He cried. I stayed at his flat, on the sofa at first, and then not on the sofa. That was three weeks ago. Since then we have spoken every day. I have brought food round twice. He came to mine on Saturday and stayed until Monday morning. It feels tender and familiar, which is exactly the problem. Nothing about the relationship question has changed. I asked him last night, gently, whether he saw this as us getting back together. He said he cannot think about labels or the future while grieving. I believe him. His grief is real. I also heard the same answer I spent two years trying to wait into a different one. I am angry with myself because I knew where the door led when I opened it. I am also angry at the idea that setting the boundary again makes me heartless when he is going through something terrible. This morning I told him I care about him and I am not disappearing as punishment, but I cannot be the person he sleeps beside, calls first and leans on like a partner while our relationship remains off limits. I said I would send a meal through our mutual friend this week, but I would not keep coming over privately. He said the timing was cruel. Maybe it is. There is no kind week to say that grief does not turn an old mismatch into a new agreement. I keep wanting to send another message explaining it better. I have already written three and deleted them. I am putting this here instead because explaining has always been how I turn a boundary back into a conversation, and a conversation back into us.