AskedOnDateFour

I asked the awkward question on date four

I’m 29 and last year I spent fourteen months in something that was always “too early to define” right up until it ended. There was no single lie in it. We liked each other, saw each other most weekends and never agreed that we were building a relationship. I just kept assuming the amount of time we spent together would eventually answer the question for us. It didn’t. I started dating again this summer and went out with a woman I really liked. By date four we had already fallen into easy daily messages. I could feel myself doing the old thing: noticing the warmth, filling in the direction. So over drinks I asked whether she was dating in the hope of finding a relationship, or whether she wanted something casual. It was awkward for about ten seconds. She told me she is moving to Canada in January. She likes dating and meeting people, but she does not want to start a relationship before leaving and she definitely does not want long distance. She had not hidden the move; I had known about it since our second date. I just had not asked what it meant. A year ago I would have heard “January” as five months in which she might change her mind. I would have told myself I was being relaxed while quietly becoming more attached. This time I said I was looking for something that could grow, so carrying on casually probably was not a good idea for me. She looked disappointed. I was disappointed too. We finished our drinks, kissed goodbye and have not arranged another date. Nothing about that felt triumphant. I checked my phone too often for the next few days and briefly wondered if I had made a promising thing too serious too soon. But the question did not ruin a potential relationship. It revealed that we were available for different ones. Four dates is not nothing, but it is also not fourteen months. I am beginning to understand that asking early does not guarantee the answer I want. It just means I get to hear the answer before hope has done all the translating.