Two years and I still dont know why
stuck_in_the_middle_82 · Posted 28 Aug 2026, 07:04
It has been exactly a month since we stopped seeing each other. We spent two and a half years basically living in each others pockets but he would never actually call me his girlfriend. He would stay at my flat four nights a week and we did everything a normal couple does. When I eventually brought it up he just told me he was not ready for anything serious. I am not angry about it anymore but I just feel so confused. Why did he want to spend all his time with me if he had no interest in being a proper couple. I keep thinking about the weekend we spent at the seaside last summer. We had such a good time and he was so affectionate. Then the next week he would go back to acting like we were just hanging out. It is hard to wrap my head around it. How do you go from being the most important person in his life to nothing at all in a few weeks. Anyway, sorry for the essay. I keep wanting to text him to ask for an explanation but I know that is a bad idea. Does it ever actually make sense or do you just have to move on without knowing the answer.
What should they do? · 47 votes
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this honestly made me proper cry. i spent three years with someone who lived in my spare room and then just packed up and left one tuesday. it never makes sense, you just have to stop looking for a reason that doesnt exist. sending you a hug, you deserve better than that.
I feel this. I have been seeing a man for eighteen months and still cannot get a clear answer about what we are building. I know the uncertainty is hurting me, but I am not ready to leave yet.
The affectionate seaside weekend and the distant week afterwards can both have been real. You may never get an explanation that makes those two versions fit neatly, but you can still decide that the inconsistency was not enough for you.
I don’t think spending that much time with you proves he secretly wanted the same relationship you did. He may genuinely have loved the closeness and still not wanted to be your partner. That doesn’t make the two and a half years meaningless, but it might mean there isn’t one missing explanation that will make the contradiction disappear.
You chose to stay after hearing that he did not want a formal relationship, so your own decisions deserve honest examination. That does not mean you deserved the pain or that all responsibility belongs to one person.
He may have cared deeply and still been unable or unwilling to offer the relationship you wanted. That possibility does not make him a villain, but it also does not make the mismatch less important.
I am sorry. Being kept at the edge of somebody’s life can be deeply painful, especially after so much time together.
I am sorry. Being kept at the edge of somebody’s life can be deeply painful, especially when your private relationship felt much more significant.
Wanting one final explanation after two and a half years makes sense, but another message may not resolve the contradiction between his closeness and his refusal of a committed relationship. You may already have the information needed to decide what the relationship could not offer.
He may have valued the closeness while still not wanting the same relationship you wanted. That was painful and insufficient for you, but it does not automatically mean the entire connection was calculated convenience.
He told you he did not want a serious relationship, so your decision to stay deserves honest examination too. That does not make you responsible for every mixed signal or mean you are pretending to be hurt; both people participated in an arrangement that stopped working for you.
I recognise the confusion of losing someone who was woven into everyday life but would not call it a relationship. Contacting him may not produce the explanation you want, especially if his position about commitment has not changed.
It may be impossible to know exactly why he wanted so much closeness without commitment. The answer you do have is that the arrangement he offered did not meet what you needed, even though parts of it were real and affectionate.
The four nights a week at her flat made the arrangement feel like a relationship to her, even without a label. I would be careful about inventing motives when the clear problem is that they understood those shared routines differently.
Two and a half years of shared routines is a substantial loss, regardless of the label he used. Wanting an explanation makes sense, although it may not provide the certainty you hope it will.
I recognise the confusion of sharing ordinary couple life with someone who still refuses the word. The seaside weekend can have been real to him without meaning he wanted the future you wanted.
The switch between affection and distance can keep you searching for one explanation that makes every moment fit. You may never get a cleaner answer than the one he gave when you asked for commitment.