--- title: "We needed six months of silence before friendship was real | A Situationship Story | TheGreyZones" url: https://thegreyzones.com/stories/we-needed-six-months-of-silence-before-friendship-was-real description: "A real, anonymous situationship story: I’m 52 and she’s 49. We met through mutual friends and were seeing each other for just over two years.\n\nI wanted us to b" lang: en --- # We needed six months of silence before friendship was real ChlorineAndCoffee (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/ChlorineAndCoffee) · Posted 5 Sep 2026, 07:02 I want more 2–5 years 50+ The Loyalist Woman & Woman I’m 52 and she’s 49. We met through mutual friends and were seeing each other for just over two years. I wanted us to be partners. She didn’t. Not in the vague “maybe when work calms down” way either. She liked me, loved spending time with me and did not want a shared life. She told me that several times. I kept hearing honesty as the opening position in a negotiation. When I finally ended it, we tried to be friends immediately because neither of us wanted to lose the other completely. It sounded mature. It was actually torture. We still messaged most days. She sent me photos from her walks and asked what I thought of things she was buying for her flat. We met for coffee every other Sunday. I would come home from those coffees and analyse whether she had touched my arm differently or seemed jealous when I mentioned someone from work. She wasn’t doing anything deliberately cruel. I was using friendship to stay close enough for hope to survive. The final straw was her telling me she had been on a date. I said all the correct supportive things, went home and cried on my kitchen floor. The next morning I told her I couldn’t be her friend yet. We agreed on six months with no contact unless there was a genuine emergency. No birthday messages, no checking in through friends and no quietly watching each other’s social media. I hated it. For the first few weeks I kept thinking of tiny reasons the rule should not apply that day. But ordinary life gradually filled the space. I started swimming again. I saw friends without spending the whole evening discussing her. I went on two dates, neither of which went anywhere, but I noticed I was actually meeting the women in front of me instead of comparing them with her. Seven months later we ended up at the same friend’s birthday. I was nervous, but it was surprisingly normal. We spoke for ten minutes about work and her new dog. I did not go home searching for hidden meaning in it. We have seen each other four times since then, always as part of the wider group. Last month we had coffee alone for the first time. She told me about someone she had been dating and I genuinely wanted it to go well for her. There was a small ache, but no fantasy that the news would somehow circle back to us. We are not best friends. We do not message every day and I don’t think we ever will again. The friendship works because it is smaller than the relationship was, not because we found a clever way to keep everything except the sex. I used to think taking space was dramatic and that staying friends proved the relationship had been meaningful. Now I think the silence was what allowed the meaning to change. I still care about her. I just no longer need that care to become a different answer. What should they do? · 57 votes Log in (https://thegreyzones.com/login) or create a free account (https://thegreyzones.com/register) to vote and reply. ## Replies (23) Be honest. Be kind. No real names. Log in (https://thegreyzones.com/login) to reply. SmallerCanBeReal (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/SmallerCanBeReal)6 Sep 2026, 07:01 The line about the friendship being smaller is the bit that makes this sound sustainable. You did not recreate the relationship under a different name. You allowed the connection to become something that no longer asks either of you to pretend. sunnysideup99 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/sunnysideup99)20 Sep 2026, 13:02 The kitchen-floor moment showed why immediate friendship was not neutral for her. The six months apart gave the hope time to stop controlling every conversation. StillWorthChecking (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/StillWorthChecking)6 Sep 2026, 07:01 This is hopeful, but I would still keep an eye on whether hearing about her dating remains genuinely manageable. A small ache is human. If every coffee leaves you unsettled for days, more distance would not mean the six months failed. softlad82 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/softlad82)11 Sep 2026, 08:03 This took courage. I might have continued the coffee routine indefinitely because it looked mature from the outside. Returning to swimming and rebuilding ordinary life sounds like what finally made friendship possible. midlands_lad99 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/midlands_lad99)17 Sep 2026, 08:04 A day trip might be a useful way to fill a difficult weekend, but it is not the only route out of obsessive thinking. The important change in the post was creating enough distance for ordinary life to expand again. bobby_dazzler_82 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/bobby_dazzler_82)6 Sep 2026, 17:37 Mate, honestly the best thing you can do this week is delete her number from your phone. Put it on a bit of paper and shove it in a drawer if you must, but take the temptation away. It stops you checking when she was last online. urban_fox82 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/urban_fox82)19 Sep 2026, 08:01 The immediate friendship sounded reasonable, but the coffees kept the old hope alive. Taking six months apart seems to have given both of you room for something genuinely different. GroupCoffeeFirst (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/GroupCoffeeFirst)7 Sep 2026, 07:25 Seeing each other in a group before trying coffee alone sounds sensible. It gave you somewhere to notice whether the old hope was still running the conversation without making the friendship carry too much too soon. cynical_observer (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/cynical_observer)9 Sep 2026, 13:03 She was clear about not wanting a shared life, so it is important not to reinterpret ordinary warmth as a hidden promise. At the same time, taking six months away was not a punishment if continued friendship was preventing you from accepting her answer. lurker99 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/lurker99)8 Sep 2026, 02:38 Did you tell her how difficult the immediate friendship was becoming for you, or did you only explain that you needed to stop contact? I am curious because the six-month break seems to have created the clarity that the early coffees could not. SmallerCanBeReal (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/SmallerCanBeReal)8 Sep 2026, 07:04 The smaller friendship sounds real precisely because it no longer asks either of you to recreate the old intimacy. Caring about her without needing daily access is a very different arrangement from calling the relationship a friendship. soft_spoken_soul (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/soft_spoken_soul)9 Sep 2026, 13:03 I am sorry. Letting go is difficult even when you understand why the relationship could not continue. truth_hurts_88 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/truth_hurts_88)9 Sep 2026, 13:03 You deserve an arrangement that meets your actual needs, not one sustained by occasional moments of closeness. bitterpill88 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/bitterpill88)11 Sep 2026, 08:03 Six months can feel extremely long when you are grieving. Her honesty mattered, and so did your recognition that immediate friendship was preserving hope rather than helping either of you move forward. hardtruthguy (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/hardtruthguy)11 Sep 2026, 08:03 She was clear about not wanting a shared life, while you kept hoping friendship would change her answer. The six-month break was difficult, but it gave you the distance needed to stop treating ordinary contact as evidence of a future together. sad_watcher_99 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/sad_watcher_99)19 Sep 2026, 08:01 I am still in the coffee stage too, so the part about analysing every touch landed hard. This gives me hope that distance can feel less brutal once it stops being treated as a failure. fed_up_lad (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/fed_up_lad)19 Sep 2026, 08:01 I would not want friendship after every relationship, but this one sounds possible precisely because they stopped trying to force it immediately. The smaller version only worked once hope was no longer running it. london_lad_82 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/london_lad_82)24 Sep 2026, 13:03 A new hobby can help ordinary life fill the space, but the important part was removing the daily messages, private coffees and social-media checking that kept hope active. The six months worked because the distance was real. stuckinlimbo88 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/stuckinlimbo88)13 Sep 2026, 08:02 Did she contact you at all during those six months, or did both of you keep the boundary completely? I’m curious because the later friendship seems to have worked partly because the separation was real. coldtruth101 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/coldtruth101)20 Sep 2026, 13:02 She had been clear that she did not want a shared life, but accepting that answer took time. The important change was recognising that friendship could not work while it still functioned as a route back. london_lad_88 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/london_lad_88)16 Sep 2026, 08:02 The mutual silence seems important because neither person used it as a test or kept reopening the relationship. The later friendship only worked once both had genuinely stopped treating contact as a route back. sad_tea_drinker (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/sad_tea_drinker)16 Sep 2026, 08:02 The immediate coffee phase sounds especially painful when every gesture still carries hope. Taking real distance may feel less mature than instant friendship, but sometimes it is what allows friendship to become honest later. curious_cat_x (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/curious_cat_x)17 Sep 2026, 08:04 The post says they both observed the six-month silence, apart from genuine emergencies. That mutual respect seems to be part of why later contact no longer carried the same hidden negotiation.