--- title: "We’re open, but apparently that didn’t mean the same thing to both of us | A Situationship Story | TheGreyZones" url: https://thegreyzones.com/stories/we-are-open-but-that-did-not-mean-the-same-thing description: "A real, anonymous situationship story: I’m 35 and non-binary. My partner is a man and we have been together for three years. We have been non-monogamous for th" lang: en --- # We’re open, but apparently that didn’t mean the same thing to both of us NotTheSameAsNoRules (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/NotTheSameAsNoRules) · Posted 11 Sep 2026, 07:05 I want more 2–5 years 30+ Non-binary & Man I’m 35 and non-binary. My partner is a man and we have been together for three years. We have been non-monogamous for the last eighteen months. Neither of us was talked into it. Neither of us is secretly waiting for the other to become exclusive. I date occasionally, he dates more often, and until last weekend I thought we were unusually good at being clear. Then he disappeared for two days. He had told me he was meeting someone on Friday. I assumed that meant dinner. He went to her house afterwards, stayed Saturday as well and came home on Sunday afternoon. His phone ran out of battery on Saturday morning. I was not worried that he was cheating. We are allowed to sleep with other people. I was furious that I had no idea whether he was safe, whether he was coming home or whether the plans we had loosely discussed for Sunday still existed. When he came back, he could not understand why I was so angry. From his point of view, an open relationship meant he did not need permission for an overnight stay. From mine, sending a message about being away for the weekend was basic consideration when we share a home. The argument became ridiculous very quickly. He said I only supported non-monogamy when I was the one on a date. I said he was using the word open to avoid behaving like a partner. He asked whether I wanted a curfew. I told him not to be childish. None of that helped. We calmed down and went through the agreements we had actually made. We had discussed safer sex, whether friends could know, dates in our shared flat and what information we did not want to hear. We had never discussed overnight notice, cancelled plans, phone contact or how much independence either of us expected during a date. We had both filled those blanks with our own version of obvious. His version was that time with another person belonged entirely to that connection unless there was an emergency. Mine was that freedom to date did not cancel ordinary communication between two people who live together. The strange relief was realising this was not proof that one of us had failed at being open. It was proof that “open” was not a complete agreement. We have now decided that either of us can stay away without asking permission, but we tell the other person before the next morning. If shared plans change, we say so directly. A dead phone is not a moral failure, but borrowing a charger long enough to say you are safe is reasonable. Neither of us needs to provide a report about the date. We are also going to check the agreement again in a month, because rules written immediately after an argument can sound sensible and still feel wrong in practice. I still dislike that he vanished. He still thinks my first reaction was bigger than the situation required. We have not solved every feeling. But we have stopped treating non-monogamy as if it exempts us from the boring work of deciding what we owe each other. We did not close the relationship. We made it less vague. What should they do? · 9 votes Log in (https://thegreyzones.com/login) or create a free account (https://thegreyzones.com/register) to vote and reply. ## Replies (7) Be honest. Be kind. No real names. Log in (https://thegreyzones.com/login) to reply. NoPermissionStillConsideration (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/NoPermissionStillConsideration)12 Sep 2026, 07:10 He is right that an overnight stay should not require permission under the agreement you described. But independence does not remove the need to tell the person you live with that you will be gone for two days. The new rule seems to protect both freedom and ordinary consideration. reality_check_uk (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/reality_check_uk)24 Sep 2026, 13:03 Two days without contact while sharing a home was reasonably upsetting, but the problem was a missing agreement rather than proof that either person was incapable of an open relationship. Their new notice rule addresses the actual conduct. ObviousWasTheGap (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/ObviousWasTheGap)12 Sep 2026, 07:10 “We had both filled those blanks with our own version of obvious” is the key line. You had agreed on sexual boundaries but not on shared time, safety updates or changed plans. Those are relationship agreements too, whatever structure you choose. poly_pilot (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/poly_pilot)12 Sep 2026, 13:05 A short check-in agreement for overnight dates sounds sensible here. Keeping it specific—when to message, what happens if a phone dies and how changed plans are handled—may prevent both of you from filling the gaps with different assumptions. the_realist_uk (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/the_realist_uk)12 Sep 2026, 13:05 I disagree that this conflict proves either of you is afraid of being single. The gap was in agreements about shared time and communication. Testing the new rules for a month seems more useful than judging the entire relationship from one badly handled weekend. wandering_soul88 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/wandering_soul88)24 Sep 2026, 13:03 They did well to identify the missing agreements rather than treating “open” as a complete set of rules. Living together made notice about an overnight stay and changed Sunday plans relevant, even without any requirement to ask permission. lost_in_the_sauce (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/lost_in_the_sauce)12 Sep 2026, 13:05 The disagreement seems to show why “common courtesy” was not specific enough. You both treated different expectations as obvious, so writing down the actual notice and safety agreement should make the next situation easier to judge.