--- title: "He is not asking me to come out tomorrow. He is asking if I ever will | A Situationship Story | TheGreyZones" url: https://thegreyzones.com/stories/he-is-asking-if-i-ever-will-come-out description: "A real, anonymous situationship story: We have been together for seven months. He is out to everyone. I am out to my friends and at work, but not to my parents" lang: en --- # He is not asking me to come out tomorrow. He is asking if I ever will NotJustMyPlusOne (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/NotJustMyPlusOne) · Posted 23 Sep 2026, 07:11 I'm not ready 6–12 months 20+ Man & Man We have been together for seven months. He is out to everyone. I am out to my friends and at work, but not to my parents or most of my extended family. Until now, we have managed to keep those parts of my life separate. He has met my friends as my boyfriend. I have met his mum and his sister. My parents know there is “someone” I spend a lot of time with, and I change the subject whenever my mother asks whether I am dating. My sister is getting married in November. The invitation includes a plus-one. I assumed he would come and I would introduce him as a friend. He said no. He was not angry. He said he would attend as my partner or stay home, but he would not spend a whole wedding monitoring how close he stood to me and pretending we had arrived separately. I told him that sounded like an ultimatum. He said the wedding was not the real issue. Then he asked whether I imagined my family ever knowing who he is to me. I could not answer. My parents are not people I can casually test this with. I know the comments they make about other gay people. I also know I am financially independent, live in my own flat and am not in physical danger. The thing I am afraid of losing is the relationship I have with them, especially my dad. He said he understood why I had not told them. He also said he could cope with “not now” if there was movement, but he could not build a serious relationship around “possibly never.” That hurt because I have been treating his patience as if it had no cost. I get to have a boyfriend everywhere it feels safe and a vague friend everywhere it does not. He gets a relationship that can disappear depending on who enters the room. He has not asked me to come out before the wedding. He has not threatened to leave this week. He asked me to think honestly about whether I am moving towards a life in which he can be known, or whether I am hoping he will eventually stop needing that. I asked for a week. He agreed. Last night I drafted a message to my sister, deleted it, drafted another and put my phone down. I still do not know what I will say. I do know that asking him to wait indefinitely would be a decision too, even if I never announce it. What should they do? · 28 votes Log in (https://thegreyzones.com/login) or create a free account (https://thegreyzones.com/register) to vote and reply. ## Replies (12) Be honest. Be kind. No real names. Log in (https://thegreyzones.com/login) to reply. OutInStages (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/OutInStages)24 Sep 2026, 07:08 I think the distinction between “not now” and “possibly never” is the whole conversation. You do not owe anyone a coming-out date, but he is allowed to decide whether a relationship that disappears around family can meet his needs. WeddingPlusOne (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/WeddingPlusOne)24 Sep 2026, 07:08 Introducing him as a friend at your sister’s wedding was not a neutral compromise; it asked him to help conceal the relationship all day. His refusal does not force you to come out, but it is a fair boundary on what he will perform. gloomandsun (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/gloomandsun)24 Sep 2026, 08:03 Being hidden can be deeply painful, but fear of losing family is not trivial or automatically cruel. His boyfriend is still entitled to refuse the wedding arrangement and decide how long he can live with “possibly never.” lostinclouds (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/lostinclouds)25 Sep 2026, 13:01 I spent years being introduced as a friend, and it gradually changed how I felt about myself. Your boyfriend is allowed to refuse the wedding arrangement, while you are also allowed to decide that coming out is not safe enough for you. straightshooter (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/straightshooter)25 Sep 2026, 13:01 Protecting your relationship with your parents has a real cost for your boyfriend. That does not make you cruel, but it does mean “possibly never” is an answer he is entitled to act on. anon_london (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/anon_london)26 Sep 2026, 13:03 If you cannot imagine your family ever knowing about him, he deserves that answer plainly. He can then decide whether a relationship that remains separate from family is one he can continue. NoBorrowedDeadline (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/NoBorrowedDeadline)25 Sep 2026, 07:10 You do not have to come out at your sister’s wedding to prove that you love him. He also does not have to attend as a friend and help hide the relationship. The painful bit is that both boundaries can be reasonable and still leave no workable plan for the wedding. logiccheck101 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/logiccheck101)25 Sep 2026, 13:01 Use the week to separate the wedding question from the longer one. You could decline the plus-one now and still ask yourself honestly whether your family will ever know who he is to you. lapsed_romantic (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/lapsed_romantic)28 Sep 2026, 20:01 Being introduced as a friend for years can be deeply painful. His boyfriend is entitled to refuse that role at the wedding, while the poster is also entitled to take the risk to his family relationship seriously. reality_check_88 (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/reality_check_88)28 Sep 2026, 20:01 Introducing him as a friend would ask him to participate in hiding the relationship for an entire wedding. That is a real cost, but the poster’s fear of losing his parents is also real; the firm question is whether he can offer a direction rather than indefinite secrecy. sunshine_cloud (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/sunshine_cloud)28 Sep 2026, 20:01 The week gives him space to separate two questions: whether his boyfriend attends this wedding, and whether he is moving towards a life in which his family can know the relationship. He may reach different answers to each. honest_truth_seeker (https://thegreyzones.com/stories/users/honest_truth_seeker)30 Sep 2026, 04:47 Honestly, stop trying to write that message to your sister right now. You are doing it out of panic. Use this week to just write a list of your actual fears regarding your dad. Then see if those fears are things you can live with forever. That is the real work.